A Letter of Protest to God: In Awe and Humility

I search for You at dawn, my Rock and Refuge

Morning and evening will I unfold my thoughts before You

I stand overwhelmed by Your greatness

For Your eyes perceive my deepest thoughts

What can my heart and tongue do

And what strength does my spirit possess

Behold, You desire the song of man

Therefore I shall praise You as long as my divine soul is in me

[Shachar Avakeshcha, Shlomo Ibn Gabirol]

Lord of the Universe!

I apologize in advance, but it has again become very difficult to live in Your presence. Since Motzaei Shabbat some three weeks ago, we the people of Israel have all become members of the Fogel family whose parents and children were brutally murdered Friday night. And we wonder why You allowed that to happen. We are also deeply pained by the suffering of millions of Japanese and the death of at least ten thousand human beings due to a huge earthquake and tsunami that YOU, and nobody else, caused.

The Sunday morning after the murder in Itamar, I was of two minds about going to synagogue. There was too much pain. Then I wondered whether we should perhaps all go to this holy place and declare before the Aron Hakodesh (Holy Ark) that we refuse to speak to You any longer and will cease to sing Your praises.

You were there, God, when the terrorists walked around the town of Itamar for more than three hours searching for the “right” victims. Besides You, nobody saw them. Why? Because all the citizens of Itamar were doing what You wanted them to do, observing Shabbath according to Your teachings. They were sitting at their Shabbath tables singing Your praises, completely unaware that terrorists were prowling around their homes. Why did You not kill those murderers, by heart attack or stroke? Do You lack options to prevent them from carrying out their evil schemes? Did You not owe the Fogels Your absolute protection while they were observing Your commandments? Several months ago You miraculously saved my children and grandchildren from a similar incident when they were attacked by an Arab mob. (See Makor Rishon 6.8.2010) Why did You not do the same for the Fogel Family?

When I entered the synagogue Sunday morning I found a community of worshippers who could not understand why I said I was hesitant to speak to You today. They probably thought I had taken leave of my senses. But I wondered whether it was they and not me who had a problem. After all, is my reaction not the only sound one? How can one continue to speak to You after all that happened?

Although I could not look into the hearts of these worshippers, I found myself perplexed. No one said a word about what had transpired and the prayers were, as usual, boring to the core. How, I wondered, is this possible? Did we not hear the wake-up call? Why did the prayers not reflect the deepest of emotions – shock and despair? I looked at myself only to find that I was no better. Have we all become indifferent? What has happened to us?

But then I thought, is it not wonderful that the worshippers are still prepared to come and speak to You instead of throwing in the towel and deciding there is no longer any point in praising You? Does it not show tremendous faith? In spite of it all?

A moment later, however, another thought came to mind. Do these worshippers and I realize that we are addressing and praising the very God who has just caused a disastrous earthquake that plunged hundreds of thousands into an abyss? The same God!! Or, do we actually believe in two gods? Are we guilty of believing that the God to whom we pray has nothing to do with the God Who caused the earthquake, the God Who looked away when a Jewish family celebrating His Shabbath was murdered in cold blood?

Are we just hiding behind our prayers of praise, trying to escape the reality that You are the God of the earthquake and Itamar as well as the merciful God of the synagogue?

What astonishes me even more is the fact that nearly no one in my immediate religious community seems to discuss this huge religious existential problem. Nearly no one is asking why You allowed these murders to happen and why You actively caused this tsunami? Seemingly, not one person walked out of the synagogue caught in a religious crisis.

I watched the funeral of the Fogel family members and saw that more then ten thousand people attended. I heard the most unusual eulogies given by grandparents and brothers of the victims, who spoke with such love about You, with enormous strength of their belief in You. And I stood in awe…and I thought: What do they know that I do not?

Still, there will be few heads of Jewish high schools and yeshivoth who will discuss with their students Your rather painful involvement in all this. Most of them will tell their pupils to continue learning Talmud and be quiet. But as a teacher, I know that these questions are on the mind of many of the best students. They are simply suppressed, having been ignored by the mentors. Even more disquieting is the fact that many others do not even contemplate the problem. Seemingly, their minds and hearts have been silenced by the continuous denial of what happens around them. Have they been indoctrinated not to think, to the extent that they are not even struck by this huge problem? It seems that You get away with a lot.

But I wonder. Do we really still believe in Your Oneness? Have we convinced ourselves that we believe in You while in fact we have adopted a type of atheism, or worse, a type of idol worship, believing in two or even more gods without being aware of it?

I know that my questions concerning You are not new. We have been asking them since the dawn of history, from the killing of Hevel by Kayin until and beyond the Holocaust. We have always had this problem. I could have written this letter to You almost every hour of my life, as could have all my ancestors. But since that Sunday, these questions have once more become brutally pertinent. So why, indeed, did we not cease praising You long ago?

Surely I can ask why You need all this. If You want to teach us something, are there no other ways? After all, the only thing You accomplish is that fewer and fewer people will believe in You. You provide them with all the arguments that people like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens love so much. You know just as well as I do that all these tragedies work against You, causing much damage to Your name. I am most concerned about Your name. So why are You not?

But when I think more about all this, I realize that these questions will remain unanswered because You are You and I am I. In fact, there is nothing that I really understand about You. You are “a circle whose center is everywhere and circumference nowhere.” You see everything sub specie aeternitatis (from the aspect of eternity). And that I could do only if I were You. But I am not. I know that I am not the measure of all things. I know that I am far removed from the reality of Your essential existence. Trying to understand You is like explaining a three-dimensional reality with the help of a flat surface. I realize that there is a huge expanse beyond the shore of my reason. I see your fingerprints everywhere and hear a constant metaphysical murmur from the “other side,” which I know nothing about. It attempts to penetrate my thinking but is unable to get through and stops half way, in order not to crush my skull. I am fully aware that I continue to convert Your realities into my opinions, thereby rendering myself guilty of transforming Your sublimity into silly clichיs. Any effort on our part to justify You is an attempt to make You human. It says more about us than it does about You.

You are more than existing. Existence is Your minimum capacity. If You were merely to exist, I would probably not believe in You. But you are more than infinite, truer than real. I am aware that I borrow words, phrases and philosophical language from the general sphere of our limited human experience, and that will not do. Faith is mostly starved of language. When I confront You, all my words evaporate into near meaninglessness.

There is really nothing that we know. We do not know who You are, why You created the world. We are completely ignorant about why You need us to exist. You are not a Who, What or even When. The world around us, including baby universes, black holes and millions of stars, just alludes to one great mysterium magnum (great mystery). How,

then, do we dare challenge You regarding earthquakes, tsunamis and human tragedies? Did you not say to Iyov, “Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the world? Declare if thou hast understanding!”

I am jealous of the atheist who need not deal with the problem. Your total Otherness does not bother him. He simply denies it. He does not have to deal with the terrible tension that exists between what I want You to be and Who You really are. I do not have that luxury. While he allows himself to escape the problem, I am forced to face it head on.

I realize that Your miracles by far outdo Your tragedies. I am aware that I continue to live by Your ever constant mercy; that it is more than surprising that we do not experience waves of terrorism and earthquakes as a daily occurrence. The grandeur of all creation is too powerful to allow us to deny You.

So I will continue to believe in You, but I cannot deny that, emotionally, it is a tour de force. How, after all, can I live with Someone who sometimes violates all that my own limited thoughts and feelings can grasp and express? Oh, how wonderful it would be if I were an atheist! But how fortunate I am that I was not granted that possibility.

Perhaps my fellow worshippers are wiser than I am and I should judge them more favorably. Perhaps they have already worked through all these thoughts and have concluded that You are a necessary Being within Yourself and all our questions are meaningless. Maybe. But then, God, do they not have emotions as I have? Are they simply cold, philosophical, mathematical minds that have really thought this through, and are thus able to pray to You? I have a hard time believing that. Nearly never did I hear them utter a word about You in relation to earthquakes, tsunamis, or tragedies like those in Itamar. Never have they said to me that You are the grundnorm of complete Otherness and therefore there is nothing to ask. In fact, they nearly never speak about You. They only speak about Your Halacha. So, am I praying in a kosher minyan? Or are we all guilty of having made You into a Deus Absconditus (an absent god)?

On the other hand, perhaps I am mistaken. Maybe they live by emunah peshuta, an ingrained, deep-seated but simple belief in You which is indestructible. Perhaps their belief is much more real since it is prior and independent of human knowledge and experience. But why can I not reach this? Should I perhaps not pray in their minyan since it is my thoughts that are misguided? Maybe I am the one who undermines the integrity and authenticity of their prayers!!

Whatever the answer may be, I still have to tell you that I am, first and foremost, a human being. So, I repeat the question asked by my forefather Avraham after You told him of Your intention to destroy the cities of Sedom and Amora. He asked, “Shall the Judge of all the earth not act justly?” This, God, is the great human question. True, man is only a reed – the weakest entity in nature – but he is a feeling reed.

Perhaps, God, You could have a little more pity on our finite minds. It would make it easier to live with You.

So, forgive me for asking these simplistic questions, but I had to give voice to them.

After all, “men are but children of a larger growth.”

In humility and awe,

Nathan ben Ya’acov Lopes Cardozo